


lights/camera/action (or jin and maki make a porno)

by thunderylee



Category: Japanese Actor RPF, KAT-TUN (Band)
Genre: Canon Universe, F/M, Humor, ambiguous pin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-10-18
Updated: 2008-10-18
Packaged: 2019-02-03 18:41:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12753948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thunderylee/pseuds/thunderylee
Summary: They’re still not buying it, and now it’s time to take drastic measures.





	lights/camera/action (or jin and maki make a porno)

**Author's Note:**

> reposted from agck.

The door bangs in what Yamapi can only describe as Jin announcing his presence and demand for attention without saying a word.

Quietly, he leans back on the couch and pretends to be asleep.

Jin stares at him for a full two minutes. In that time, he’s plopped down onto the couch – nearly upsetting Yamapi’s peaceful equilibrium – and exhaled angrily through his nose a few times.

It takes a lot of effort for Yamapi not to laugh at him.

“Pi,” Jin hisses, poking him in the arm. “Pi, wake up, it’s important.”

Yamapi smacks Jin’s hand away and pops an eye open, looking at Jin with distaste, then lets his head fall into Jin’s lap and makes it very obvious that Jin should stroke his hair before anything else.

“You know, I’m the one in a scandal here,” Jin says pointedly. “You should be comforting _me_.”

Yamapi smiles because Jin’s fingers are raking through his curls. “It doesn’t count if you did it yourself.”

“Technicalities,” Jin replies with a sigh.

Frowning, Yamapi hugs Jin’s knees. “Is he still giving you a hard time?”

“ _Yes_!” Jin almost screams, like he’d been waiting for Yamapi to ask this whole time. “As much as this company likes to deny our involvement with anybody, he’s practically forcing me to manhandle her in broad daylight just to get him off my back about _you_.”

Yamapi feels oddly proud, but he would never say that out loud. “We stopped living together and being seen together except for those last two times -”

“That’s what brought this on again,” Jin insists. “Like I go to Starbucks for a blowjob instead of a frapp.”

Yamapi wrinkles his nose at the thought of a frapp. Coffee should be _hot_. “I guess our pictures are more scandalous than the reports of you and Maki-chan.”

“It’s all your fault,” Jin tells him. “Why isn’t he coming down on you too? I can’t have a secret affair with _myself_.”

“Maybe you look gayer than me,” Yamapi mutters, and explodes into laughter.

“I hate you,” Jin mumbles, but continues to run his fingers through Yamapi’s hair. “What am I going to do?”

“Do what everyone else does,” Yamapi says, rolling onto his back to look up at Jin’s sad face. “When Tegoshi got ‘caught’ going to the love motel, it got management off of his back for _years_.”

Jin doesn’t say anything.

Yamapi leans up and stares hard into Jin’s face. “ _Arashi_.”

With a pitiful whine, Jin collapses back against the couch like he has the hardest life ever. “That’s the problem, Pi. After all of those guys – especially MatsuJun – he’s heard everything.” He heaves the sigh of a thousand men. “You know, ten years ago I would have never thought that I would have to _create_ a scandal to keep from getting fired.”

“You act like we all don’t do it,” Yamapi says. “Yuu-chan and I pretty much pose for the tabloids once a year or so.”

“Apparently that’s not enough for me,” Jin huffs. “I’m guess I’m _special_.”

“You’re very special,” Yamapi agrees, ducking when Jin swats at him. “Okay, okay, just like… I don’t know, fake-hump her against a wall somewhere very public. Do you think she’ll go for that?”

“Maybe,” Jin says slowly. “But what if nobody takes pictures? Then we’ll have to keep doing it over and over and it will be obvious.”

Yamapi kicks him. “I’ll take the pictures, dumbass. It can be like an amateur photoshoot. Theme: Hard Love in the Alley.”

Just then Jin sits up, nearly knocks Yamapi off of his lap, and Yamapi can practically see the light bulb go on over Jin’s head.

This scares him. “Jin… what are you thinking..?”

“Amateur,” Jin repeats. “Theme… oh, Pi, you’re a genius!”

“I am,” Yamapi says slowly. “But what sort of insanity did my intelligence inspire?”

Jin looks like he’s going to kiss him, which Yamapi thinks defeats the entire purpose of this conversation. “We’ll make a porno!”

Blinking, Yamapi can’t find the words. “What.”

“It’ll be _perfect_!” Jin exclaims, eyes sparkling. “I bet I could talk Maki-chan into it since there won’t be any actual sex -”

“Jin,” Yamapi interrupts. “Have you ever actually _seen_ a porno before?”

“This isn’t like the professional stuff,” Jin assures him. “In America, there’s a sex tape leaked on the Internet at least once a year. It’s always dark and taken from the same angle – usually a webcam – and you can barely tell anything except for who it is and that they’re making sex noises.”

“And you think you can fake that.” Yamapi’s eyes hurt from how wide they’re stretched.

“I’m an actor,” Jin says haughtily. “I can fake anything.”

Yamapi decides not to argue with him. “Why don’t you tell Maki-chan about this ingenious idea of yours?”

“I will,” Jin replies, pulling out his phone. “Right now.”

*

“He’s _crazy_ ,” Yamapi tells Ryo over ramen, although Ryo can barely keep the noodles on his chopsticks from laughing so hard. “He thinks that he can fake a porno.”

Ryo manages to calm down enough to speak. “He should be more worried about his adoring public seeing his fat naked ass.”

“Not helping,” Yamapi says sternly, and Ryo immediately presses his lips into a straight line. “You’re supposed to be thinking of ways to stop this.”

Ryo swallows and points at Yamapi with his chopsticks. “One: no respectable girl in her right mind would even pretend to fuck Akanishi Jin without proper lighting and editing. Two: Even if he goes through with it, Jin is entirely too vain to actually let it be released into the wild because, trust me, _nobody_ looks good naked and thrusting without the aforementioned effects.”

Yamapi chews pointedly. “And three?”

Ryo grins. “And three: you are so jealous!”

“Am not,” Yamapi argues halfheartedly.

“Really,” Ryo says dryly. “Well, look at us. We’re out in broad daylight having lunch. If I were in Jin’s position and opted to fake a porno with Toda Erika, would you be this upset?”

“No, because Eri-chan would kill you before you could even get undressed,” Yamapi replies with a smile.

“Anyone, then,” Ryo says with an eyeroll. “It doesn’t matter who the girl is.”

“You’re different,” Yamapi explains. “It’s like you play up the gay so much with Eito that it has a negative effect on everyone. Like reverse psychology.”

“So what your problem really is,” Ryo diagnoses, “is that you’re worried that Jin may really be _that way_.”

“Why would I-” Yamapi starts.

“And not with you,” Ryo finishes, leaning back in his chair and giving Yamapi a knowing look.

“Lies,” Yamapi tells him. “I don’t care who he sleeps with.”

“As long as it’s a girl,” Ryo adds without missing a beat. “If he were really boning that Nishiyama chick, would you even be sparing it a thought?”

Yamapi blinks.

“And while we’re on the topic,” Ryo goes on, “it doesn’t count as having a girlfriend if you see her naked less often than her gyno does.”

“She’s not really-”

Ryo folds his arms. “I rest my case.”

Yamapi sits back in his chair, bewildered. “I don’t have _time_ for a girlfriend right now. And neither does Jin!”

“Of course not,” Ryo says excitedly, like he’s speaking to a small child. “You have each other. What do you need girls for?”

“It’s no wonder I can’t gain any weight,” Yamapi mumbles, reaching for his wallet. “You piss me off every time we go out to eat.”

“You know I’m right!” Ryo yells after him. “Have fun making your porno!”

None of the other patrons spare them a glance. Yamapi ponders whether he could actually be invincible as he takes the long way back to his apartment, purposely avoiding Jin’s calls because he doesn’t want to know, not just yet.

When he gets home, the rest of his ramen is wrapped neatly in the refrigerator, along with a note from Ryo emphasizing his rightness and a crude drawing of a stick figure with a fat ass on top of a girl stick figure with giant boobs.

Yamapi goes to bed thinking that he’d be gay for Ryo before Jin, because Jin would have eaten the rest of his food without a second thought.

*

When Jin finally corners Yamapi, it’s at work and about twenty juniors see Jin pull Yamapi into the bathroom and lock the door.

“And you wonder why people think we have a thing going on,” Yamapi mumbles.

“She’ll do it,” Jin says happily. “She said as long as I don’t really fuck her, she’ll do it.”

Yamapi stumbles against the wall, barely catching himself on the sink. “ _What_? What about her career?”

Jin shrugs. “I didn’t question her _acceptance_ , Pi. Oh, I’m so happy! Finally I will be able to exist in peace.”

“I’m glad one of us will,” Yamapi mumbles under his breath.

Jin tilts his head. “What?”

“Hey, I have an idea.” Yamapi fakes a bright grin. “Let’s switch phones today and confuse everyone.”

“Okay!” Jin agrees. “Can I post on your nikki?”

“Sure,” Yamapi replies distractedly, hurrying to grab Jin’s phone before he can figure out why. “I have to go, got a thing.”

Jin waves him away, hugging Yamapi’s cell phone to himself and undoubtedly planning to screw with everyone they know.

It will be a small price to pay, Yamapi thinks as he dials Maki’s number before he even clears the bathroom.

She meets him at an open cafe in fifteen minutes, looking like she’d been waiting for him to call. “I was wondering when I’d get to meet the famous Yamapi,” she greets him with a soft smile. “Jin talks about you all the time.”

Yamapi smiles for real, immediately taking a liking to her as they sit down and order lunch. “I think you know why I’m here,” he tells her calmly. “How much will it take for you to not do it?”

“You want to _pay_ me to _not_ pretend to have sex with your friend?” she asks incredulously, calmly sipping her tea.

It sounds just as ridiculous out loud as it does in Yamapi’s head. “Yes.”

She laughs, covering her mouth until all of the tea has been swallowed. “If I didn’t know any better, Yamashita-kun, I’d think that you _wanted_ this rumor of you and Jin to be true.”

“Why does everybody say that?” Yamapi wonders out loud. “I’m not gay for Jin. I just don’t think he should have to prove how much he’s not gay for me by faking a porno with you.”

“Mm,” Maki says, nodding attentively. “I see. It hurts your man-pride.”

Yamapi blinks. “… What.”

“Abiru-san is doing well, isn’t she?” Maki asks with a wink. “It must be tough to keep the fire burning when she’s in Siberia.”

“No chance, then,” Yamapi says evenly, reaching for his wallet yet again.

“Don’t go rushing off,” Maki says firmly, reaching across the table to grab his wrist. “Jin worries about your weight. You’ll sit here and have lunch with me, and then you can be mad at me on a full stomach.”

Her touch calms him down, and he sits back in his chair staring at her until she lets go. “What about your career?”

She shrugs. “Everyone thought Koda Kumi would be the first to have a sex tape. If I beat her, my popularity can only get better!”

“But do you really want that kind of reputation?” Yamapi asks gently.

“This coming from a man who pretends to make out with his bandmates,” she says knowingly. “Hi, Pot, I’m Kettle.”

He frowns and folds his arms. “Not the same thing.”

“When it comes down to it,” Maki says, “isn’t it all just fanservice in the end?”

*

Yamapi’s not surprised to see Ryo already at Jin’s apartment on the night of ‘filming’, but Shige’s presence gives him quite a shock.

“My apprentice,” Ryo greets him as he ruffles Shige’s hair.

Shige’s face tells Yamapi that he doesn’t really want to be here either, but he just turns back to the laptop and keeps moving the webcam until he has most of Jin’s bed on the screen.

“Night vision?” he asks emotionlessly.

“Whatever makes me look better,” Jin’s voice replies, striding into Yamapi’s vision wearing what looks like a red velvet robe.

“Dude,” Ryo says impatiently. “You can’t make a porno with your hair looking like that. It makes me look bad for associating with you.”

“It has to look _natural_ ,” Jin insists.

In the bathroom, Maki’s putting the finishing touches on her makeup. She’s also wearing a robe, a fluffy white one that Yamapi has never seen before.

“Nobody is going to believe this,” he says, making one last ditch effort to stop this madness.

Shige snorts his agreement. Yamapi’s glad that he has someone on his side.

Unfortunately, everyone else ignores him. “Places!” Ryo yells, his voice cracking as he moves back towards the door. Yamapi leans against the wall next to him as Ryo leans over. “You don’t want to watch?”

“Not at all,” Yamapi replies strongly.

Ryo chuckles and turns back to his ‘set’. “Lights!”

He turns off the lights himself, which Yamapi thinks defeats the purpose of screaming it out. He half-expects Shige to sneak out when Ryo yells “Camera!”, but there’s no sign that he’s moved from his station. Yamapi supposes that part of being Ryo’s apprentice is making sure they stay on camera the whole time, at least the important parts of them.

He shudders at the thought.

“ _Action_!”

Yamapi can’t help it; it’s stupid and childish but he does it anyway, sinking to the ground and covering his ears until he can’t hear anything but the beating of his own heart.

That is, until Ryo kicks him and he has to move one of his hands to punch him in the knee, which is when he hears nothing but arguing.

“What the hell have you been _doing_ to girls, Akanishi?” Ryo’s exclaiming incredulously. “Usually they don’t like it when you do that.”

Maki is making a choked noise, eventually exposing itself as contained laughter.

Then Yamapi hears _Shige_ laughing, and somehow that makes it all okay.

“New plan,” Ryo says. “We record it without sound and I’ll tell you what to do. We can add the soundtrack later.”

Yamapi rolls his eyes at the thought of Jin and Maki hovering over a microphone, grunting and moaning, and wonders if Ryo will need to direct that as well.

Probably, knowing Jin.

The next four hours are spent listening to Ryo – and surprisingly Shige – tell both of them where to put their hands, when throw their heads back, and how fast to move their hips. There are three takes because the first time there’s this odd glow on Jin’s ass from the laptop screen, then it takes him two more tries to properly fake an orgasm.

Unsurprisingly, it’s Maki who directs him at that point.

“That’s a wrap!” Ryo finally yells around 3am, rousing Yamapi from where he’d fallen asleep against the wall. “Come on, Pi, you have to watch the final product.”

Yamapi’s too tired to argue and follows Ryo into Jin’s now-lit room, crashing on his bed and vaguely noticing Jin fully-clothed next to him.

“This is, like, my best performance ever,” Jin says seriously.

That’s probably the only thing that Yamapi believes right now. He watches in horror as the video is replayed, the knowledge of what’s going on making up for the bad lighting and fuzzy picture.

“At two separate points,” Ryo tells them, “you can clearly see that it’s Jin and Maki-chan. Other than that, you can’t really see anything except the motions.”

“Which will most likely be construed as sex,” Shige adds, looking rather proud of his shitty camerawork.

“My ass looks _amazing_ ,” Jin announces.

Nobody has the heart to argue with him, instead jumping right into the soundtrack recording. Yamapi actually falls asleep while that goes on, Jin’s soft grunts somehow lulling him away.

*

When he wakes a few hours later, as the light of dawn slips through Jin’s blinds and into the corner of his eyelid, the sounds are much closer, much less sexual, and much more real.

*

He’s not exactly sure how it’s released, but the Jimusho is like high school and everybody knows within the next twenty-four hours. Oddly enough, people whom Yamapi hasn’t talked to in years are offering him sympathetic looks as they walk by, like the supposed truth behind Jin’s scandal affects him in a negative way.

Jin, however, is instantly famous. Even his little brother acknowledges their relation and watches in wide-eyed fascination as Jin tells a very elaborate and very fake story about what _really_ happened in the video, because of course nobody could tell for sure.

Yamapi hopes for Jin’s sake that Maki doesn’t hear of this alternate version. With the dominatrix shoots she’s been offered, Yamapi thinks that she could get revenge rather painfully.

Honestly, he’s not surprised when he’s called into Johnny’s office the following week. However, the words that come out of his boss’ mouth aren’t exactly what Yamapi expects.

“YOU. Stop pining over Akanishi.”

“What?” Yamapi responds, for lack of better words.

“I know I broke you two up,” Johnny tells him with absolutely no compassion, “but clearly he has gotten over it with Nishiyama while all you do is mope around and eat.”

Yamapi blinks. “I’ve had a girlfriend for four years.”

“Not in Siberia, you don’t.” Johnny looks at him sternly. “You don’t want your group to suffer anymore trauma, do you?”

“No sir,” Yamapi replies, setting his jaw.

Johnny motions for him to leave, and the first thing he does is drag Jin out of practice by his collar and lock them in the bathroom.

“What are you doing?” Jin asks, a little breathless and looking terrified at the look on Yamapi’s face.

“Consider it my jealous rage,” Yamapi says sarcastically. “Now my ass is on the line.”

“Nice choice of words,” Jin says with a smirk. “I cannot _wait_ to direct your sex tape.”

“You can’t possibly think that it will work _again_ , so soon?”

Jin stares him hard in the eyes. “People will believe whatever you want them to, Pi. All you have to do is give them reason to support it.”

Yamapi thinks about this while Jin fluffs his hair in the mirror. “ _Unlike_ you, I can’t just do that with some girl, even if it’s not real.”

“Who says it has to be a girl?” Jin asks, his reflection winking at Yamapi. “As long as it _looks_ like one.”

Yamapi’s mouth falls open as Jin skips away, whistling the chorus to ‘Can You Keep a Secret?’ that Yamapi hears in his head for the rest of the day.

Somehow, he doesn’t think that this video will be leaked onto the Internet.


End file.
